Dear Daughter

Dear Tatum,

I feel like tonight might be the last night that I am not in labor with you. I was asked to write you an 18th birthday card for you at my baby shower. That was the most emotional thing I've ever done. You aren't even born yet and I had to imagine sending you out into the world. This won't be sappy, I just want to remember a few things about being pregnant with you.

We had an excellent and hopeful doctors visit today. I'm very excited to see your cute little feet. We have no expectations of you, we just want you to grow up happy and be whoever you are meant to be. You have already surprised us time and time again. The month you first appeared, I already told your Dad it wasn't going to happen this month, then you showed up. Our first 3D ultrasound you hid your face with your hand. Every time I ask your Dad to feel you kick, you stop kicking. Dad calls you a Diva all the time. Once we had chosen your name, I had a dream where there was chanting "Tatum on 10! Tatum on 10!" So I've always thought you were coming July 10th. We'll see if I'm right. 

I've wanted you my whole life. I had a nursery set up in my bedroom at all times. I hung blue, pink, and yellow balloons from my door to announce the arrival of my imaginary triplets. Your great-grandmother Mappus paid me a dollar to cut all the balloons off my door, I had amassed quite a collection of "baby announcements". No one knew they were baby announcements. I would walk upstairs and pretend the hallway was leading to my own apartment. I may have breastfed a doll or two. 

I told your Dad "I love you" first because I already knew he loved me. As you grow up you will realize both of your parents are external processors. That means we need to talk things out to understand them. Before we said "I love you" to each other, he was constantly repeating "We're gonna get married, buy a house, and have babies." He's very easy to love, I know he'll be a good Daddy. If he's ever cranky with you, just get him a snack. That's what I do.

The first time I ever felt you move was Christmas morning. I had gotten up early to do some work and then laid down in the guest bedroom. It was the tiniest movement, it felt the same as an eye twitch but in my stomach. It was so nice to "meet" you. 

Christmas was cancelled in 2020 because of the Covid-19 pandemic. We didn't have a vaccine yet and numbers were spiking higher everyday. We chose to skip traveling and spent the day eating good food. We wore our matching Christmas pajamas and video called our families. We had planned to announce your presence at Thanksgiving by having one tiny extra set of pajamas. The Pandemic prevented us from having Thanksgiving too, so we told your Dolan aunts and uncles over a video call. We told your Uncle Eric and Aunt Caitlin about you while sitting in the driveway with your Grandmom and Granddad in Greenville wearing masks and "social distancing." We told all the grandparents earlier, October and Thanksgiving. 

I was lucky with your pregnancy, so far it's been very normal. You only made me throw up a little, maybe once a month. I've been extremely tired but the year 2020 made many people very very tired. The most annoying part of being pregnant is you like to wake me up at 4am and demand I feed you snacks, then I can't go back to sleep, so then I have to nap later. I feel like this is just practice for having a newborn so oh well. The worst thing I thought you did was actually my fault. I thought my eyesight was messed up. Turns out I was putting my contact lenses in the wrong eyes, for two months. The doctors couldn't figure out my symptoms, they did many many tests to make sure everything was fine. I felt dumb, but relieved it was such an easy fix. You also make me sneeze when I eat, and pee when I sneeze, it's all connected and I had a very rough experience with peeing my pants and sneezing oatmeal out of my nose one morning. I had a very rushed 5 minutes before my next video call.

Second trimester was great, I decorated your nursery, arranged for a closet to be turned into a tornado shelter, and got the house ready for your baby shower, other people hosted it but I wanted to have people over to the house. Because of the pandemic no one was traveling or visiting each other, but the vaccine has arrived. It was safe to gather again! We moved everything in my office to the garage and set it up as a playroom/workroom for you and me to share as you grow. (Don't worry we installed A/C.) Your Dad is very much looking forward to his 3 months of paternity leave. He has big plans to play video games with you. We shall see. 

We both have been spoiled and blessed by many many friends and family. You have an entire dresser filled with 0-6 month clothing. One drawer is entirely dedicated to Christmas outfits. Our neighbor Emily and friend Mary both have baby girls born exactly one year ahead of you. Your Dolan grandparents bought you a sweet little crib and dresser, and your Stribling Grandparents got you a rocking chair and grandmom spent a long time knitting you your own pink blanket. 

Again, not to harp on this pandemic but it really changed everything about life for a good year and a half and it's still reigning terror on other parts of the world. It was stressful to get together with other people so video calls became a huge part of my life and helped my sanity. One of my local photographer friends, Christine, came over to shoot a dramatic maternity portrait for me. Another photographer friend told me I would regret not having maternity portraits taken with my husband, to me that's like saying "I double dare you!" So now I have to, your Dad and I survived the pandemic by exploring outside and going for walks. I wanted our pictures taken in some of the fun places we found. Going on walks was how we kept sane.