A mother's ramblings to her son

Dear Jack,

We've known your name before you were even born. It was always Jack. You are a second child. Everything is so different and yet very much the same. I don't want to compare you to your sister, but she got here first and she has quite a stage presence.

You are a 2nd child, so while I wrote Tatum a blog the night before she was born. (Not realizing I was already silently laboring.) You on the other hand were unexpectedly born 3.5 weeks early and I haven't had a breath since. 

I'm writing a blog to you while you snooze upstairs in the crib and your sister watches Frozen for the 1000th time. 

I was shocked you were a boy. I don't know why, I just imagined two girls. I'm happy you are a boy. I'll never admit it, and I didn't always, but I like having a brother so I'm happy my children are brother and sister. I think my brother likes having a sister, but I'm sure it wasn't always true. 

I have to pause my train of thought to switch the TV from Frozen to Elmo. Be right back!

I want the same things for you that I want for your sister. I hope you can always be who you are, happy, loved, and safe. 

You are so sweet, you just started smiling and giggling in the last few weeks. Your head is so soft with your fluffy-maybe-red hair. You have the same big eyes as your dad and sister but they crinkle when you smile like mine. I'm fighting hard to find anything that looks like me in you and your sister. But it's ok, your daddy is very cute.

The summer before I was pregnant with you I dreamed I would have a baby girl, born at home on June 23rd. (Not that I wanted a home birth, just a very real possibility with how fast your sister came.) I did the math, it would mean I would have to get pregnant in September if it was meant to be, maybe the next month, but you'd have to be crazy scary early. 

September came and went and I cried because it didn't happen. Why have such a specific dream if it wasn't meant to be? I dreamed your sister would be born on July 10th and she came on the 9th.

But it was meant to happen in October just like your sister! You were due July 17th! Quickly the doctor started talking induction at 39 weeks which would make your birthdays July 9th for Tatum and July 10th for you. It was really hard to wrap my head around that because I was essentially choosing to make you guys born one day apart like your Opa and Uncle Fred, (which they didn't really like, but it was also because they had to share a party and a CAKE!) 

I swore you could have your own parties if you wanted and definitely your own cakes. I made peace with your twinning birthdays and even got excited. 

Around April everything got complicated. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes which makes everything more complicated and I had to eat very specific foods and test my blood with a finger prick 4 times a day to make sure my blood sugar was in a good range. Then we started doing weekly ultrasounds and monitoring a very crazy placenta and fused umbilical cord and fluid in your kidney. I was pretty stressed going to the doctor twice a week. But also trying to get lots of sleep and be calm to keep you healthy and in as long as possible. 

None of those things ended up being a problem, but my amniotic fluid would measure perfect one day, low a few days later, back to perfect, and then low again. They told me it wouldn't help but couldn't hurt to drink more water. I committed to drinking 100oz a day, it was like a new having a new hobby.

At 36 weeks after my appointment with the high risk doctor he called me and said "Why are we working so hard to keep you pregnant? I'm scheduling your induction tonight." I agreed but my head was spinning, we hadn't even gotten the carseat out of the attic yet! 

I called my mom and "Aunt" Sarah immediately. I said, "I'll be calm in 5 minutes and call you back, but right now you need to get on the road because Jack is coming tonight."

Luckily it was a Friday afternoon so Sarah was done with work and Oma and Opa are long retired. Someone needed to babysit Tatum overnight and Nurse Sarah was needed for moral support. 

I didn't know what time the hospital would have a spot for me so I quickly made Tatum's birthday Jello because it takes 4 hours to set and I had moved her birthday party up to June 23rd so we wouldn't miss it by being in the hospital. Fail.

We were told to go have a late dinner and arrive at the hospital at 10pm to get started. Sarah met us and we went out for Mexican food, it was a really fun time because there was nothing left to do. We destroyed the house getting all the baby stuff out, our bags had been packed for awhile and we found the carseat. 

My parents blew out a tire, so plans changed. Sarah would spend the night with Tatum at our house (which they both loved). And Oma and Opa would get here when they could. Sarah would come to the hospital in the morning because it would take all night for the medicine to get things going. Your dad got to sleep in his favorite uncomfortable chair.

A wildly more peaceful experience than flying as fast as we could to the hospital throwing up and in pain with your sister and then holding her in my arms 30 minutes after we arrived at the hospital. (All during a pandemic to make it extra fun.)

I knew if I was going to be given Pitocin that I would want an epidural. At 10am when the pain kicked in, I accepted the offer of sweet sweet relief. So crazy to have contractions become slightly uncomfortable cramps. Sarah would look at the monitor and tell me I was having a contraction. 

I had been told several times that my quick birth with Tatum would equal another quick birth the 2nd time. The nurse asked me to do some "practice" pushes. I said "Sure, but like this is going to be really quick." I did two pushes, she said "ok stop, I need to get a doctor."

I won't write about this publicly but our regular doctor was on vacation and we got the on call doctor, I do not like her for several reasons and the nurse told me I could request to have her removed from the room. I tried. It failed, she delivered you but she was much better behaved and started listening to me.